wake up.

Sometimes I envy the romantic, cute, funny scenes between the leading actor and actress in a show. Then I think it through and I realized I don't exactly want that right now. I just envy them so much. That's maybe why lately I've been so into the acting industry. For all i know I can't act. AT ALL. But it's really nice to get to experience different characters and lifestyles for a short period of time. Have a short and temporary relationship you know. Or even be a bad woman for once. Or maybe a girl who lost it all due to bankruptcy or something. Yeah, I wish I had talent in acting or even have the looks, at least. I'd love to be an actress. Not for the fame and fortune though. But for the experience. Meeting new people. Building new characters. Living different lives. I guess it's probably a temporary perspective as of now. Maybe I'd change my mind when I grow up. That always happens to me. I always go to into something I believe very much in at first, then time fades a person's interest in certain aspects, I suppose. Maybe I think of things this way right now cause' I've been watching A WHOLE LOT of Taiwanese dramas. They make me rethink about my life path sometimes, you know. The one I recently watched, What Is Love 花是爱 made me think about friendship. Like how would my relationship with my best of friends be when I grow up. The leading actress told her supporting actress they'd buy a house with their friend and live together when they've all turn 40 and have not gotten married. In other scenes, they always mention about the fact that they've known each other for more than 10 years. Would that happen to me too? I mean like, things change. Everything isn't permanent. Even if I tell my friends that we'll be friends forever or something, deep down, subconsciously, I know it isn't true. We'll part ways sooner or later. That's what i'm afraid of. I'm afraid of the after effect of everything. Friendship, you think you are forever, 10 years later, out of 10 friends, you'll probably be still in contact with 2 of them. Hobbies, you think that it'll be your hobby until you have kids or something, then you'll show them your postcard collection, 10 years later.. No, not 10 years. 3 years later, I probably would have lost the whole album or maybe misplaced it somewhere. I'm afraid of things like that even if i know that I wouldn't really care after it has happened. I'm just really weird. Idk why. I'm afraid that things like that would happen. Lately I've been having some thoughts on relationships. As in love. I mean like, of course every girl wants a guy who can make her heart skip a beat. A man who will do anything for her. A man who'd cry for her. A man who wouldn't give up on her. A man who will always be there for her, even if it's just for one second. A man who would wait for her even if she ended up with a wrong guy. Obviously, I'd want that. But, somehow, reality hits me and maybe my past relationships have made me immune to wanting a relationship anymore. I lost trust in relationships. I believe that relationships wouldn't work out at this age of mine. I have way better stuff to do than to give all of my time to a man who will use up all that time and then we will end up with a break up, then after, I'll think back and be sad and all that time given to him will be a waste after all. So, I made up my mind. (maybe I'll change my mind in a few months, but this is my thought NOW) I wouldn't date anyone if i don't have time to give him. I think that time is really important in a relationship. As a student of my age, I have SPM, I have my business to run, I have family, I have celebrity idols, I have dramas, I have books, I have clothes, I have friends. See, that's my problem. I don't have time to give. Somehow, I don;t want a relationship right now, AT ALL. But when i see it in taiwanese dramas, even if it isn't very romantic or extraordinary, I still feel that small envy to want to experience what she felt in the drama. THAT'S WHY I WANNA BE AN ACTRESS. Of course, I still know that I have no talent. And everyone will think of me as a fool to want to be an actress even if i have no talent at all and no self esteem no confidence no good looks no good figure, no good brains not much social skills. Sigh. I wish I was more confident. I wish I was prettier. I wish I was at least worth the label "pretty". I bet 70% of my problems would be solved if I was pretty. There goes my rants on my self esteem issues. Sigh, my inspiration on writing is best during late night. Hahahah. I guess I'm just sad that I finished watching What Is Love? in a week and have nothing to look forward to anymore. Plus, I'm having my period and I'm very emotional. And my period is being very irregular cause of the stress. And I just got criticized the other day because I bought myself a Mac waterproof pencil liner with my own salary and some auntie at a reunion was telling me off about it. I finally bought something for myself with my own hardwork-earned money and got told off about it. YAY. Business is a wee bit slower than usual these days, I gotta buck up and keep my spirits up. I can't lose this battle. I gotta prove myself to everyone out there who doubted me and my potential. Oh gosh. I don't even wanna go DC. But it's my last anyway, I should go for my last. Plus, formal night should be good this year. I mean, I doubt it'll be worst that last year's...... 





Okay. Last words. I suppose I'll find my Mr. Right in the future, when I'm ready for a relationship. I just don't think now is the right time for me to think about it. I'm too young for it. Plus, I don't believe I'll every say "I love you" to a guy at this age and actually, really, truly LOVE him. Tbh, I've never really truly loved a guy. Besides my dad and Jonathan (brother) of course. But yeah, I learnt the definition of love from the show I mentioned above and found it very meaningful. Also learnt that like and love is a different thing. When you say love, it means you can only have him or her in your eyes for as long as you're with her. You will always think about her and only her (him). Nah, I can't commit like that now. So, I won't tell a guy I like that I love him. And I hope any of you guys wouldn't tell a girl you love her if you're just saying it for the sake of saying it. Say it only when you mean it. Us girls take those three words very seriously.




That's all for my rants and thoughts. xx









I still wished I was talented in acting..... T-T

more than this.

Hey guys! Picture post for this post. Just got back from
Interact Club of Sri Aman's IU Day not long ago.
Needless to say, it was full of fun and laughter, and not
to forget, very much of info of saving the elephants,
which is their theme, Save The Elephants. These are some,
(ok maybe most of) the pictures i took. heh.

So, I'm wayyyyyyy to lazy to type captions

under the pictures. Sorry y'all. 

Didn't get to join everyone at Nando's after 

the event. :(

Alright. I'm off.

BYEEEEE.